Unwelcome Callers

2005-03-22T15:30:00.000-08:00

I hate intrusions and the tools of intrusion even more. I have a particular contempt for the telephone, but next to that must come, callers to my front door.

As unwelcome callers goes, Jehovah's Witnesses must score high on most peoples hate list. It doesn't matter where you live, rich or poor, Muslim, Jew or, like me, a non-believer in organised religion, no-one is safe from the knock of the Jovo. Let's be honest here, they are a national plague of anti-social behaviour. If this was kids knocking on your door on a regular basis, ignoring all niceties to politely fuck off to tell you that you're going to hell because you don't believe in their particular brand of mumbo-jumbo, they would soon have an ASBO slapped on them. But because it's Jehovah's Witnesses, they get away with it.

I used to be particularly plagued by Jovo's. A family of Jovo's lives a few doors up from me. Now whilst I don't have a problem with that, I do have a problem with all their Jovo mates turning up en-mas and taking up all the car parking spaces. If that was not bad enough, we then have the ritual of them getting themselves all Jovoed up and then spewing out to start knocking on everyones doors and making a bloody nuisance of themselves.

Of course when it comes to so-called religious callers, the Jovo's are not alone. For as some kind of support act there is the Mormons. Invariably these arrive in twos and have a certain clone like appearance to them. Dressed in black suits, with a black satchell on one shoulder and each clasping a cycling crash helmet, these young men in their late teens or early twenties, proudly display badges with their name embossed with "church elder" underneath. These boys, usually it seems from Lithuiania or Estonia, are not so battle hardened as their Jovo counterparts. Usually a well directed "fuck off" tends to see them off without arguement. Where-as Jovo's are much more thick skinned and often have to be threatened with physical violence, torture (involving electricity and cannibalism) and death before they take the hint, figure I'm a looney and beat a retreat.

So that neatly brings us onto the vermin of sales and marketing, the sales caller. These come in many guises from the jolly energy "advisor", who will happily fuck up your gas or electricity account, through to gypo's and pikies who, like the childrens tv character Mr Benn, seem to take on a different role each day. Today they are tarmacers, with a bit left over from a big government job and tomorrow they'll be professional tree surgeons and the next day fully insured and bonded roofers.

I can't finish this rant without giving a mention to students. If students weren't annoying enough anyway, they come banging on your door to flog you teatowels at £10 a pop. The most annoying students though arrive trying to sign you up to sponsor an abused camel for £2 a month. I have to say though that they are no where near as annoying as that bitch who stakes a pitch down Grimsby's Victoria Street and calls at you.

"Will you help handicapped children?"

What the hell are you supposed to say? If you say, no you look like a heartless shit and if you say yes, you know you've given in to her sick brand of manipulation. I decided that if she was going to make me look like a shit anyway, I may as well fully fit the profile. So when I got the call.

"Will you help handicapped children?"

Loudly was my reply.

"Actually NO! I don't want to help handicapped children because I'm a nasty, evil man and I say fuck 'em!"

But I digress. 99.9% of all callers to my door are unwelcome, unwanted and a total pain in the arse. To combat this menace I divised a notice which I have prominantly displayed in my porch window with some success. You may want to try it for yourself.

NO JOVO'S OR MORMONS
I am a Satanist who worships at the throne of Lucifer and I have no time for the religion of idiots.

NO SALES PERSONS
This includes, but is not restricted to, energy and telephone provider swtiching or market research.

NO SALES CATALOGUES
Unsolicitored sales catalogues, such as Kleenezee and Betaware are routinely binned.

NO WEIRDO'S
This includes, but is not restricted to, spurious charity collections and students selling tea-towels and other assorted rubbish.

for further clarification, please email
AngelOfDeath@aol.co.uk

Grumpy Grim

Unwelcome Callers